Open letter to National Councilor Jacqueline Fehr

Below we publish an open letter from a woman to National Councilor Jacqueline Fehr.

Dear Ms. Fehr,
At the specialist conference on joint custody on February 23, 2011 in Solothurn, you spoke to us with an input entitled “Don’t throw the baby out with the bathwater”.

Ms. Fehr, you mentioned that it took you a long time to understand  can,  what the men involved here are concerned about. It might be possible that more time is needed to understand the real core of the problem?

I would like to quote from your post:
More symbol than commitment Now, beyond the specific competencies, custody has, above all, a strongly symbolic meaning. Apparently, fathers in particular find it more difficult to find their role when they do not have custody. This close connection between this legal framework and the personal role is difficult to understand and alien to most women. In any case, it took me a very long time to understand what the men involved here were about and why, for example, the proportion of care between men with and without custody differs only insignificantly. It's not primarily about the specific commitment, but about the position. The study presented to us this morning by Linus Cantieni shows this quite clearly. Joint custody has an impact primarily on satisfaction and far less on the fathers' concrete commitment. In other words. Most fathers do not want joint custody because they want to look after the children more, but because they perceive shared custody as a relegation and hierarchical subordination. Shared custody is experienced as a defeat, a humiliation and a demotion. The father has the impression that he can no longer meet his mother on an equal level. All of these feelings are negative and affect the post-marital family situation and the well-being of the children.

Ms. Fehr, Linus Cantieni's study found that 75% of fathers without custody would like a change! You want to be a storyteller, a comforter, an explainer of the world, a babysitter, a loving father during the week and much more! You no longer want to just be a pay father and a visiting father. And now you come and claim that these same fathers have a problem with their sense of worth and the distribution of roles?  It wasn't about the commitment but about the position?  These fathers experience shared custody as defeat, humiliation and demotion?
It really took them a long time to understand little.

Ms. Fehr, in your input on Wednesday I asked myself about your blinkered view - how can you almost completely close your eyes and pursue such a policy as Vice President of Pro Familia Switzerland? I am horrified and stunned - I wish you never find yourself in a position where the most important people in your life are alienated from you.

They talk about child welfare, about what “is best for the child”. Ms. Fehr, you didn't understand anything there either. The best thing for the child is father AND mother - in both parts, in fair shares, on equal conditions, with the same duties and rights.

I invite you to come to me and I will show you “our” world, the world of fathers, who you describe as men with no sense of value, just insisting on hierarchy.I would like to introduce you to men and women who have understood what the unfortunate term “child welfare” actually means and who have understood that gender struggles in our everyday lives are of no use to anyone...

Kind regards,
Brigitte Helfenstein
VeV Switzerland
Mother with 50% custody
Teacher, emancipated and responsible parent.