Barbara Ingenberg and Matthias Hagner
Helplessness, self-doubt, shame. Men feel ashamed when they experience violence in their relationships. Male victims of domestic violence are still a socially taboo topic. The men affected are usually embarrassed by the situation. They therefore avoid discussing their experiences of violence. They think they are exceptional cases and prefer to remain silent. They are afraid of the derogatory remarks of their colleagues and rightly expect that outsiders will doubt their portrayal of the situation. Experiences of violence in a relationship are often trivialized or completely concealed from close relatives, relatives, friends and colleagues over a long period of time. “Can you imagine a man becoming a victim of domestic violence?” one of our clients asked his counselor before sharing his story. This test question has a serious background. Even today, it is by no means a given that authorities and specialists perceive men as victims of domestic violence and believe them. They do not fit into the usual pattern of thinking and turn the image of the typical distribution of perpetrator-victim roles on its head. In public, women and children appear as victims, while men are predominantly perceived in the role of perpetrators. However, this perspective does not capture all of reality.
More accurate figures on male victims of domestic violence are difficult to obtain. Information for Switzerland as a whole is not available. There are no separate figures for domestic violence in the police crime statistics of the Swiss Federal Office of Police (Federal Office of Police 2005). Individual cantons have now begun to compile additional statistics based on data from police operations in cases of domestic violence. In the canton of Zurich, the proportion of male victims is around a fifth (20% in 2004, 22% in 2005; Zurich Cantonal Police, 2005 and 2006).
1 Experiences from consulting practice
The victim advice center for boys and men affected by violence has existed since 1996 and specializes in male victims of crime. It works on the basis of the Swiss Victim Assistance Act and is a recognized victim assistance advice center in the canton of Zurich.
1.1 Clients
Men have a much higher risk of becoming a victim of a violent crime than women. Swiss crime statistics (Federal Office of Police 2005) show that the majority of all those affected by violent crimes are male. The majority of men experience violence in public spaces. In these cases, the perpetrators are usually other men. In 2005, the advice center processed a total of 437 cases in which men were victims of violent crimes. Three quarters of our clients were victims of violent crimes in public environments. Around a quarter of the men who contacted us were victims of domestic violence. You experienced violence in a relationship or in the family. The men who sought contact with us last year because of intimate partner violence were between 25 and 69 years old. The majority of them lived in heterosexual relationships (88%). In 35% of the cases, children were directly involved, as eyewitnesses or as those affected. 12% lived in homosexual relationships. The men affected come from a wide variety of professional groups, from craftsmen to university lecturers. All social classes are represented.
1.2 Initial contact
“I don’t know what to do next, that’s why I’m coming to you.” The threshold for going to a counseling center is very high for men. The reason for first contacting our office is usually a crisis situation. The men who come to us on their own initiative realize that they are in a situation from which they can no longer find a way out on their own. They have often been experiencing violence in their relationships for many years and have searched in vain for a way out. The majority of those affected have not yet filed a complaint. Since last year, however, we have observed a significant increase in the number of registrations from male victims of domestic violence who were referred to us by the police. This is a direct effect of the change in the law in 2004, which made intimate partner violence an official offence. Victims of domestic violence (women and men) automatically receive the contact addresses of the counseling centers after police intervention. There are situations in which the victim and perpetrator cannot be identified beyond doubt. This is particularly true when both partners engage in violence. If we determine that a client is predominantly a perpetrator, we will refer them to an appropriate perpetrator counseling center after an clarification discussion.
1.3 Forms of violence
Male victims of domestic violence report a variety of forms of physical and psychological violence. The spectrum includes hitting, scratching, biting, pushing away, pulling your hair or pounding your body with your fists. Objects such as pans, plates or chairs are thrown and personal belongings are deliberately destroyed. Threats, insults and attempts at intimidation often occur. The men are checked or locked in rooms. When weapons are used, female perpetrators usually use knives or other household items. Poison was used in two cases. The risk of escalation of violence is particularly high in separation situations. Stalking occurs in both homosexual and heterosexual relationships: harassment at home or at work (through telephone calls, text messages, letters and emails), surveillance and persecution are typical. The threats that are made are also diverse. They range from false accusations to the employer or the police to damage to property and threats of physical violence and death threats. In some cases, the new partners are also included in the threats.
1.4 Dealing with violence
Many men who experience intimate partner violence display typical victim behavior. They look for explanations and excuses for their partner's violent behavior. They often take blame or share responsibility for the unexpected outbreaks of violence and think they can solve the problem by behaving differently. When counseling male victims, we hear typical sentences that document how men try to deal with the violent situation. “My wife is depressed and has mental problems. That's why she hits." Men often use statements like this to explain their partner's violent behavior. They find it a relief if they can assign a cause to this behavior. In doing so, they also excuse the acts of violence and take responsibility for the crime away from the perpetrator. “I want to learn to behave correctly so that things don’t get to that point again.” Men often look for the solution in changing their own behavior. You don't want to give your partner any more reason to freak out. In our consulting practice, we often come across specialists who support this unsuitable attempt at a solution. He is unsuitable because the perpetrator can use any behavior of the victim as an opportunity for new acts of violence. The victim's illusion that she will eventually be able to control the perpetrator's behavior often allows her to endure the situation for years.
1.5 Why do men stay in violent relationships?
“She has power over me because she knows that I'm afraid that if I fight back, things will get worse. And I don't want to lose my son!” In many relationships, the partners are reluctant to set clear limits to violence. The men fear an escalation of violence or the loss of their families if they defend themselves. Economic factors, on the other hand, do not play a significant role. In terms of economic conditions, men are often in a stronger position or at least in an equal position to their partner. The emotional connection and fear of loss are crucial. The desire to seek counseling together with the partner is often expressed. As a victim counseling center for the Canton of Zurich, we cannot offer counseling for perpetrators or couples. In these cases, we refer clients to other places. The possible loss of children is a particular threat for men. These fears are not unfounded. According to current case law, custody of the children in the event of a separation is usually awarded to the mother. If men want to use legal means to defend themselves against violence, women often threaten to have their children taken away or to file a counter-complaint. These threats are effective because the men fear that no one will believe them.
2 Gender-specific aspects in counseling
Counseling male victims requires knowledge about gender-specific differences in the perception, assessment and processing of experiences of violence and a conscious examination of gender-specific forms of communication and different value systems.
2.1 Role models
“A man can handle it.” It is an everyday observation that boys fight and fight with others. Exercising and experiencing violence is part of the “normal” development of a man. Boys learn to accept and not show their pain. Feelings of helplessness, powerlessness and fear are considered unmanly and are not allowed for a “real man”. It takes more time for men to classify a physical attack as physical violence than it does for women. This means that men who experience domestic violence in their relationship often do not perceive themselves as victims of a crime. They often doubt that their case is “serious enough” to warrant counseling. “A real man solves his problems himself.” Men often claim to solve their problems alone. For her, admitting personal problems means incompetence and failure as a man. In crisis situations, men are more likely to withdraw and avoid discussing relationship problems with others. They are less used to talking about feelings and stresses in everyday life. Instead, they prefer active repression strategies. They often throw themselves into work or intensify their sporting activities. Silence and social withdrawal often cause further problems. “Men are strong and can defend themselves.” Being a man and a victim at the same time is not compatible with one's self-image as a man (Lenz 2000). It is even more difficult as a man to experience violence from a woman. These men are often particularly helpless. You lack an adequate strategy for action.
2.2 Reactions of the environment
In addition to the actual crime, the reactions of those around them are an additional burden for men and make it more difficult to openly deal with experiences of violence in the relationship. While a woman as a victim of domestic violence can now generally count on understanding, compassion and support from professionals and social circles, the situation for men is often different. They are often laughed at and their statements are doubted. “The woman will have good reasons; he will have deserved the slap in the face.” Similar to what was common with sexual crimes until a few years ago, the male victim is at least partly blamed for the violent behavior of his partner. Another reaction from those around them, which is also very unpleasant for the men affected, are the mocking comments that ridicule male victims of domestic violence. Men who experience violence in their relationships and seek professional help from counseling centers or the police still encounter problems today. Their statements are often doubted and their credibility is questioned. Men who come to our counseling center often report that they were not taken seriously, laughed at or even sent away. Due to the negative reactions of the private and professional environment, they become victims a second time (Kirchhoff, 2001). Stereotypical thought patterns, prejudices (in the environment but also in their own heads) and shame make it difficult for men affected by domestic violence to openly discuss their problems. It sometimes takes a long time before they can decide to seek help and support.
2.3 Counseling services for male victims of domestic violence
People who have experienced violence primarily seek recognition as victims, regardless of gender. This means that they need contacts who simply listen to them and take their concerns and worries seriously. They also want information and advice on what they can do to combat the violence. When looking for a suitable counseling center, male victims of domestic violence are often unsure where to turn with their problems. The existing specialized counseling services for victims of domestic violence are generally aimed exclusively at women. As soon as a crime has been committed, the recognized victim support advice centers are responsible. Such advice centers for victims of crime are available in all cantons. However, only a few are explicitly (also) aimed at the target group of men. However, it makes it easier for the men affected to make contact if they are addressed directly through the counseling service.
3 outlook
T he women's movement has made a decisive contribution to the fact that violence in the family has been made an issue among experts and the public for several years. She initially focused on the most common constellation of man=perpetrator and woman=victim. Only gradually did male victims come into focus, such as boys as victims of sexual exploitation. The fact that it has taken so long for men to be perceived as victims and women as perpetrators of violence in relationships is also due to the fact that this constellation violates deep-seated role stereotypes. Male victims of domestic violence do not yet have a lobby and, like the female perpetrators, they are still largely unexplored (Federal Ministry for Family, Senior Citizens, Women and Youth, 2004). There is a need to catch up here. More knowledge is needed about the extent, conditions and causes of this violence as well as about the specific needs regarding intervention and advice - on the part of the victims and the perpetrators. Professionals who are confronted with domestic violence must be aware that men and women can fundamentally assume both positions and can be both perpetrators and victims. It is important that male and female victims are not played off against each other, but that all those affected, regardless of their gender, are supported as appropriately and effectively as possible.