Barbara Ingenberg and Matthias Hagner
Helplessness, self-doubt, shame. Men feel ashamed when they experience violence in their relationships. Male victims of domestic violence are still a taboo subject in society. The men affected are usually embarrassed by the situation. They therefore avoid discussing their experiences of violence. They think they are exceptional cases and prefer to remain silent. They fear the disparaging remarks of their colleagues and rightly expect that outsiders will doubt their account of the situation. Experiences of violence in a relationship are often downplayed or completely concealed from close relatives, friends, and colleagues for a long time. "Can you imagine a man becoming a victim of domestic violence?" one of our clients asked his counselor before telling his story. This test question has a serious underlying message. Even today, it is by no means a given that authorities and professionals recognize men as victims of domestic violence and believe them. They don't fit into the usual thought patterns and turn the typical perpetrator-victim role distribution on its head. In the public eye, women and children appear as victims, while men are predominantly perceived in the role of perpetrator. However, this perspective doesn't capture the whole of reality.
Precise figures on male victims of domestic violence are difficult to obtain. Nationwide data for Switzerland are unavailable. The Swiss Federal Office of Police does not report separate figures for domestic violence in its police crime statistics (Federal Office of Police 2005). Individual cantons have now begun to compile additional statistics based on data from police interventions in domestic violence cases. In the Canton of Zurich, the proportion of male victims is around one-fifth (20% in 2004, 22% in 2005; Zurich Cantonal Police, 2005 and 2006).
1. Experiences from consulting practice
The victim support center for boys and men affected by violence has existed since 1996 and specializes in male victims of crime. It operates on the basis of the Swiss Victim Assistance Act and is a recognized victim support center in the Canton of Zurich.
1.1 Clients
Men are at a significantly higher risk of becoming victims of violent crime than women. Swiss crime statistics (Federal Office of Police 2005) show that the majority of all victims of violent crimes are male. Men predominantly experience violence in public spaces. In these cases, the perpetrators are usually other men. In 2005, the counseling center handled a total of 437 cases in which men were victims of violent crimes. Three-quarters of our clients were victims of violent crimes in public. Approximately one-quarter of the men who contacted us were victims of domestic violence. They experienced violence in a partnership or within the family. The men who contacted us last year due to domestic violence were between 25 and 69 years old. The majority (88%) lived in heterosexual partnerships. In 35% of the cases, children were directly involved, either as eyewitnesses or as fellow victims. 12% lived in same-sex partnerships. The men affected come from a wide variety of professions, from tradesmen to university lecturers. All social classes are represented.
1.2 Initial contact
"I don't know what to do anymore, that's why I'm coming to you." The threshold for seeking help from a counseling center is very high for men. The reason for initial contact with our center is usually a crisis situation. The men who come to us on their own initiative realize that they are in a situation from which they can no longer find a way out on their own. They have often experienced violence in their partnership for many years and have searched for a solution in vain. The majority of those affected have not yet filed a police report. However, since last year, we have observed a significant increase in registrations from male victims of domestic violence who were referred to us by the police. This is a direct consequence of the 2004 amendment to the law, which classifies domestic violence as a crime prosecuted ex officio. Victims of domestic violence (both women and men) automatically receive the contact information for counseling centers after police intervention. There are situations in which victims and perpetrators cannot be clearly identified. This is particularly true when both partners are involved in the violence. If we find that a client exhibits predominantly perpetrator characteristics, we refer them to an appropriate perpetrator counseling center after an initial consultation.
1.3 Forms of violence
Male victims of domestic violence report experiencing a wide range of physical and psychological abuse. This includes hitting, scratching, biting, pushing, hair pulling, and pounding on the body with fists. Objects such as pans, plates, or chairs are thrown, and personal belongings are deliberately destroyed. Threats, insults, and intimidation are common. The men are controlled or locked in rooms. When weapons are used, female perpetrators usually use knives or other household items. In two cases, poison was used. The risk of escalating violence is particularly high during separations. Stalking occurs in both same-sex and heterosexual relationships: harassment at home or in the workplace (through phone calls, text messages, letters, and emails), surveillance, and stalking are typical. The threats made are also varied. They range from false accusations to the employer or police to property damage and threats of physical violence and even death. In some cases, the new partners are also included in the threats.
1.4 Dealing with violence
Many men who experience domestic violence exhibit typical victim behavior. They seek explanations and excuses for their partner's violent behavior. Often, they take on the blame or partial responsibility for the unexpected outbursts of violence and believe they can solve the problem by changing their own behavior. In counseling male victims, we hear typical statements that document how men try to cope with the violent situation. "My wife is depressed and has mental health problems. That's why she hits me." Men often use such statements to explain their partner's violent behavior. They find it reassuring to be able to attribute a cause to this behavior. However, this also excuses the violence and absolves the perpetrator of responsibility. "I want to learn how to behave correctly so that it doesn't happen again." Often, men seek the solution in changing their own behavior. They don't want to give their partner any more reason to lash out. In our counseling practice, we repeatedly encounter professionals who support this ineffective approach. It is therefore ineffective because the perpetrator can use any behavior of the victim as a pretext for further acts of violence. The victim's illusion that they will eventually be able to control the perpetrator's behavior often allows them to endure the situation for years.
1.5 Why do men stay in abusive relationships?
“She has power over me because she knows I’m afraid things will get even worse if I fight back. And I don’t want to lose my son!” In many relationships, partners are hesitant to set clear boundaries to the violence. The men fear an escalation of the violence or the loss of their family if they defend themselves. Economic factors, on the other hand, do not play a significant role. From an economic perspective, men are often in a stronger, or at least an equal, position than their partner. The decisive factors are the emotional bond and fear of loss. Often, the desire is expressed to seek counseling together with their partner. As a victim support center for the Canton of Zurich, we cannot offer counseling for perpetrators or couples. In these cases, we refer clients to other services. The potential loss of their children is a particular threat to the men. These fears are not unfounded. According to current legislation, custody of the children is generally awarded to the mother upon separation. When men try to take legal action against the violence, women often threaten to take away their children or file a counter-suit. These threats are effective because the men fear that no one will believe them.
2 Gender-specific aspects in counseling
Counseling male victims requires knowledge of gender-specific differences in the perception, assessment and processing of experiences of violence, and a conscious examination of gender-specific forms of communication and different value systems.
2.1 Role models
"A man can just shrug it off." It's a common observation that boys fight and get into fights. Perpetrating and experiencing violence is part of a man's "normal" development. Boys learn to take it and not show their pain. Feelings of helplessness, powerlessness, and fear are considered unmanly and unacceptable for a "real man." It takes more for men to recognize a physical attack as violence than it does for women. This means that men who experience domestic violence in a relationship often don't see themselves as victims of a crime. They also often doubt whether their case is "serious enough" to warrant counseling. "A real man solves his own problems." Men often feel the need to solve their problems alone. Admitting personal problems means incompetence and failure as a man. In crisis situations, men tend to withdraw and avoid discussing relationship problems with others. They are less accustomed to talking about feelings and burdens in everyday life. Instead, they prefer active coping mechanisms. They often throw themselves into work or intensify their athletic activities. The silence and social withdrawal frequently cause further problems. "Men are strong and can defend themselves." Being both a man and a victim is incompatible with the self-image of a man (Lenz 2000). It is even more difficult for a man to experience violence from a woman. These men are often particularly helpless. They lack an adequate strategy for action.
2.2 Reactions of the environment
Besides the actual crime, the reactions of those around men place an additional burden on them and make it difficult to openly discuss their experiences of violence in their relationships. While women who are victims of domestic violence can generally expect understanding, compassion, and support from professionals and their social circles, the situation is often different for men. They are frequently ridiculed, and their accounts are doubted. "The woman must have good reasons; he deserved the slaps." Similar to what was common practice with sexual offenses until a few years ago, the male victim is at least partially blamed for his partner's violent behavior. Another reaction from those around the affected men, which is also very unpleasant, is the mocking remarks used to ridicule male victims of domestic violence. Even today, men who experience violence in their relationships and seek professional help from counseling centers or the police still encounter problems. Their accounts are often doubted, and their credibility is questioned. Men who come to our counseling center frequently report that they were not taken seriously, were laughed at, or even turned away. Negative reactions from their personal and professional environments make them victims a second time (Kirchhoff, 2001). Stereotypical thinking patterns, prejudices (both in their surroundings and in their own minds), and shame make it difficult for men affected by domestic violence to openly address their problems. It sometimes takes a long time before they decide to seek help and support.
2.3 Counseling services for male victims of domestic violence
People who have experienced violence primarily seek recognition as victims, regardless of gender. This means they need someone to talk to who will simply listen and take their concerns and worries seriously. They also want information and advice on what they can do to combat the violence. When searching for a suitable counseling center, male victims of domestic violence are often unsure where to turn with their problems. Existing specialized counseling services for victims of domestic violence are generally aimed exclusively at women. Once a crime has been committed, the recognized victim support centers are responsible. Such centers for victims of crime are available in all cantons. However, only a few explicitly target men as well. It makes it easier for affected men to contact these services if they are directly addressed by the counseling services.
3 Outlook
The women's movement has made a crucial contribution to ensuring that domestic violence has been a topic of discussion among professionals and the public for several years. Initially, it focused on the most common constellation: man as perpetrator and woman as victim. Only gradually did male victims, such as boys as victims of sexual exploitation, come into focus. The fact that it took so long for men to be recognized as victims and women as perpetrators of violence in partnerships is also related to the fact that this constellation contradicts deeply ingrained gender stereotypes. Male victims of domestic violence still lack a lobby and, like female perpetrators, remain largely unresearched (Federal Ministry for Family Affairs, Senior Citizens, Women and Youth, 2004). There is a need for improvement in this area. More knowledge is required about the extent, conditions, and causes of this violence, as well as about the specific needs regarding intervention and counseling – for both victims and perpetrators. Professionals dealing with domestic violence must be aware that men and women can fundamentally occupy both positions, being both perpetrators and victims. It is important that male and female victims are not pitted against each other, but rather that all those affected, regardless of their gender, receive support that is as situation-appropriate and effective as possible.