Tages-Anzeiger, June 12, 2007
Next Sunday is Father's Day. Men and fatherhood are the focus. Even after a divorce, men want to remain good fathers. But that's not always so easy.
Just as mothers receive flowers and thank-you poems for their role as mothers at least once a year, men are now demanding recognition for their paternal commitment: Next Sunday marks the first Swiss Father's Day. This special day was launched by Männer.ch, the forum for men, emancipation, and politics. The day aims to motivate fathers to be actively involved in their own lives, because raising children is a two-person job.
Divorced fathers, in particular, often suffer from not being able to fully embrace their role as fathers because they see their children so little. In most divorces, the court awards custody to the mother. Joint custody is possible, but it requires an agreement from both parents. In 2003, only 26 percent of parents agreed to joint custody. So, if the woman doesn't want it, the man is out of luck. This power dynamic with the woman is fraught with conflict, especially when the man is the breadwinner. It's not uncommon for child support payments to be traded for childcare time.
Whoever has parental custody decides
Even when fathers have visitation rights according to a divorce decree, many see their children only very irregularly after the divorce. And this is often involuntary, because some mothers sabotage visits by any means necessary, and because the authorities often stand by helplessly and without taking action. Providing support in post-divorce conflicts is not so easy, especially when one or both parents are unwilling to cooperate and do not recognize that their behavior is harming the child. After all, they believe they are acting in the children's best interests.
The risk of a breakdown in contact is high. Those who suffer most are not only the fathers, but above all the children, even if the mothers don't always see it that way. It is particularly damaging when the mother tries to have the father's visitation rights suspended in court without a plausible reason or by using a fabricated one. The court orders a complete cessation of personal contact "if the adverse effects of personal contact on the child are unacceptable.".
Therefore, if a mother merely claims that the father does not sufficiently consider the children's interests and wishes, this is not sufficient grounds to have visitation rights revoked. It is also not sufficient if the children refuse to see their father. And certainly not if they refuse to see their father because the mother has a negative attitude towards him.
Fathers demand equal treatment
The proposed change to current divorce law in favor of joint custody is not a solution for parents engaged in a relentless post-divorce conflict. For many parents who, despite conflict, are able to focus on the true well-being of their children with the help of professionals and counseling, joint custody may be beneficial. It would at least be fair to involved fathers. Their sense of justice would already be significantly improved if the court, as a rule, left responsibility for the children with both parents and thus did not judge the fathers' sufficient parenting skills. Under this solution, custody would only be left with one parent in exceptional cases, and this would not necessarily have to be the mother.
Disputes aren't just about the children, but at least as much about the amount of alimony payments to the ex-wife and the duration of the payment obligation. Many men don't understand why their wives can't work after the divorce, especially when the children are already of school age. They forget that before- and after-school care is crucial.
Personal responsibility for both
Our divorce law prioritizes the self-responsibility of both spouses. Nevertheless, a husband can be obligated to pay alimony to his wife (or husband) due to a need that arose during the marriage. Such a need could be, for example, the traditional division of roles where the husband works and the wife stays home with the children. Men also find the obligation to pay alimony to their ex-wife difficult if she has a new partner or if she was the one who initiated the separation because of another man.
Injuries, pain, and anger cannot be measured in numbers. A divorce agreement may be more or less fair, but can it ever truly be just? It is focused on the moment of divorce. It is striking that, according to a study by the Swiss National Science Foundation, nearly half of all divorced fathers feel disadvantaged regarding alimony payments. Conflict-ridden divorces often have a lasting impact on men's health. Does a man whose wife leaves him for someone else consider the obligation to pay alimony for three years to be fair? Hardly. Many men also struggle with the legally mandated division of pension assets. Men who lived according to traditional gender roles during their marriage, in particular, find this division objectionable. If both parents work in addition to childcare, their pension assets are equalized. This means that the wife must also share the assets she acquired during the marriage with her partner. This type of role division offers another advantage: If the man spends a lot of time with the children in everyday life, the chances are greater that the woman will agree to joint custody in the event of a divorce
By Ruth Eigenmann