Despite the separation, they remained parents

Six years ago, when Laura's cat died, her mother put the then nine-year-old in the car and drove her to her father's house, which was ten minutes away. He took his daughter in his arms and dried her tears. Together, the parents comforted her. After half an hour, Laura felt better, and mother and daughter drove home. "When we ended our marriage ten years ago, we vowed to do everything we could to ensure that our daughter could maintain close contact with both of us," says Iris B. Paul D. nods. The two are sitting on the sofa in the living room of Iris B.'s house in the Seetal region of Aargau, with fifteen-year-old Laura, a bright girl with a mischievous glint in her eye, between them.

Responsibility. Laura is one of the few children of divorce in Switzerland whose parents don't fight over custody and care, but instead share equally. Even on the difficult issue of child support payments, they found common ground. Despite the pain of their failed marriage, both parents knew one thing for sure: you remain a parent for life. And: a child should be able to experience a relationship with both parents under all circumstances. Iris B. explains: "Before the divorce, we had seen in our circle of acquaintances how children suffered from their parents' separation because they couldn't agree. And we vowed that our daughter would never have to go through anything like that." Laura doesn't remember what it was like when everyone lived under the same roof. "At some point, I suddenly had two rooms," is all she recalls.

Exchange. When her parents separated, she was of kindergarten age. To be able to share custody of their child, Paul D. stayed in the house, and Iris B. found an apartment in the same community. For her daughter's sake, she later decided against moving to the nearby city. "We didn't want to uproot Laura from her home," says the father. Together with a lawyer they shared, they considered the best custody arrangement. Paul D. couldn't reduce his full-time hours as an IT specialist. So the parents agreed that Laura would live with him three weekends a month, plus one weekday, and with her mother the rest of the time. They also reached an agreement regarding child support. To ensure Iris B. wasn't financially dependent on her ex-partner, she started working as a self-employed seamstress. The parents met once a month to plan. During these meetings, they shared news about events in their daughter's life: for example, that Laura had learned to roller skate or had received a good grade. "This made Laura feel that we were genuinely interested in her life."

Freedom. The custody arrangements changed several times. The more independent Laura became, the more often she spontaneously dropped by her father's house. When she was nine, his new partner moved in with him. From then on, Laura also spent more frequent overnight stays with her father during the week. Today, she sometimes changes rooms daily. For her, this isn't a problem: "I enjoy sleeping here and there. If my father and his partner are too strict, I simply go to my mother's." Grinning, she looks at her father: "The only trouble is my heavy schoolbag, which I often have to pack with enough materials for two days." In the village, Laura is the only one of the seven children of divorce in her year who sees her father frequently. "The others hardly have any contact anymore," she knows.

Key issues. It all sounds wonderfully uncomplicated. Weren't there any key issues for the parents? Yes, says Paul D. For him, it wasn't easy at first to always be willing to compromise. After his wife left him, he was very hurt. "I sometimes had to push myself," he recalls. Iris B., on the other hand, found it difficult when a third person, her ex-husband's new partner, suddenly had a say in childcare – until she realized "that she wasn't taking away my role as a mother, but was another important person for my daughter, from whom she benefited." Iris B. adds: "No one is so perfect that they can claim sole responsibility for raising a child." Meanwhile, a new man has also moved into their house.

Equality. Mother, father, and daughter cannot understand why joint custody is not automatically granted to parents after separation. Paul D. criticizes: "This sends the message to men that they are less suitable as parents." This is also evident in the meager paternity leave and the lack of opportunities for fathers to work part-time. "But men and women are equal before the law," adds Iris B. And Laura adds: "Regardless of the law, I don't understand why so many parents can't manage to make it work for everyone—especially the children." Anouk Holthuizen

New Custody Regulations:As part of the revision of the Civil Code, joint custody for divorced and unmarried parents is to become the norm. In current Swiss practice, joint custody is granted only upon application and only if both parents agree.
Preparations for the corresponding proposal, which had been underway for six years, were halted by the Federal Council in January because additional issues of child support were to be included in the discussion. Numerous fathers and fathers' organizations reacted to the delay with sharp criticism.
According to an announcement by the Federal Department of Justice and Police (FDJP), a roundtable discussion on joint parental responsibility will now take place on April 15th, with representatives from various mothers', fathers', family, and child protection organizations participating.