(c) Tagesanzeiger from March 15, 2010. By Andrea Fischer .
Shared parental custody only works if parents understand and can communicate with each other. It can't be forced, but it can be learned.
Even if parents go their separate ways, shared responsibility for the child remains.
For Ingrid C.* it was clear from the start. When she separated from her husband eight years ago, she immediately agreed to share parental responsibility for their now 14-year-old daughter. “I didn’t want a fight over the child,” she says, looking back. The father was also cooperative and immediately after the separation agreed to take over half of the care of the daughter.
Despite these ideal conditions, Ingrid C. had to learn to deal with the new situation and give up powers that she had previously taken for granted. «In the beginning, I often forgot to involve my ex-husband in important decisions because I knew that he had always agreed with my decisions in the past. It was only when he told me that he didn't want to be presented with a fait accompli that I realized this."
Delineate areas of influence
From then on, the parents met once a month in a café – “on neutral ground”, as Ingrid C. calls it – to discuss things and clarify open questions. They defined each other's spheres of influence, for example by agreeing who was responsible for which sporting activities. “This enabled us to prevent the daughter from playing one parent off against the other because one was doing better than the other.”
But many mothers have difficulty letting go and handing over the children to their father for regular care - as was the case with Walter P.*: His wife simply couldn't imagine that the children lived somewhere other than hers, says the 48th -year mediator. The father continues to look after his children in the former family apartment, where he goes in and out several times a week. This has the advantage for the children that they can stay in their original place of residence, while the father remains involved in their everyday life and is automatically kept informed about everything.
Your ex regularly in your own apartment? This model is only possible because Walter P. and his ex-wife have ended their relationship and trust each other as parents. Mutual understanding and effective communication between parents is the best guarantee that shared custody will work after separation, says Andrea Büchler, professor of civil law at the University of Zurich. “It is also important to clarify mutual expectations.”
Ex-partner moved away
That makes sense. But what should you do if your parents are so divided that they can no longer communicate with each other? Just like in the example of Pascal O.*. For years he fought for joint custody of his two boys. The ex-partner did not want to grant him anything more than extended visitation rights. She even moved to another canton to mark her distance. Pascal O. then filed a lawsuit in court. “That was wrong,” as he says looking back, “because that was how the fight really began.”
It was only years later that the two agreed on professional mediation. With success. “We should have done that from the beginning,” says Pascal O. “During mediation, we were familiarized with methods for dealing with each other without conflict. We learned, for example, not to see a targeted provocation behind every decision that the other person makes and that you don’t like.”
For the Bernese psychologist Liselotte Staub, an expert in questions of joint custody, it is clear: “It is not enough to change the law and declare joint parental custody to be the rule. Accompanying measures are needed, such as compulsory mediation.” This view appears to be gaining acceptance among experts. While it was previously agreed that mediation had to be voluntary, today more and more people are becoming comfortable with the idea of ordered mediation.
Federal court supports mediation
To the surprise of many, the Federal Court also declared compulsory mediation to be legal in a recent judgment in the case of a totally quarreling pair of parents (judgment 5A_457/2009 of December 9, 2009). It remains to be seen whether this ruling will lead to a broad change in practice.
Mediation can eliminate fears and misunderstandings that exist on both sides, says lawyer and mediation expert Christoph Wieser. In addition: The mediator is not a judge, he does not have to make any judgments. However, mediation is not a panacea and cannot completely prevent conflicts. Therefore, below are a few tips from parents and experts for fathers and mothers who decide on joint custody:
- Regulate in as much detail as possible how you share responsibility in everyday life, even if this seems unnecessary to you. That provides security, says Solothurn family lawyer Thomas Grütter. According to Grütter, the important topics include: when the child stays with which parent and for how long, how you communicate with each other and make important decisions (school, upbringing, health).
- Determine who is responsible for which areas (e.g. sporting activities, hobbies) and respect these boundaries.
- Recognize the basic rule that the parent with whom the child is staying is allowed to make everyday decisions themselves.
- Inform institutions such as the school to ensure the flow of information to both parents.
- Decide what you will do if communication no longer works. Get advice from experts, if possible not from friends. These are usually biased; According to psychologist Liselotte Staub, experience also shows that advice from friends tends to fuel existing conflicts rather than clarify them.