(c) Tagesanzeiger, March 15, 2010. By Andrea Fischer .
Joint custody only works if parents understand each other and can communicate. This cannot be forced, but it can be learned.
Even if parents go their separate ways, their shared responsibility for the child remains.
For Ingrid C.*, it was a clear-cut decision from the start. When she separated from her husband eight years ago, she immediately agreed to share parental responsibility for their now 14-year-old daughter. "I didn't want any arguments about the child," she says, looking back. The father was also cooperative and agreed immediately after the separation to share custody of their daughter almost equally.
Despite these ideal conditions, Ingrid C. had to learn to cope with the new situation and relinquish authority that had previously been taken for granted. "Initially, I often forgot to involve my ex-husband in important decisions because I knew he had always agreed with my decisions in the past. It was only when he told me he didn't want to be presented with a fait accompli that I realized this."
Define areas of influence
From then on, the parents met once a month in a café – “on neutral ground,” as Ingrid C. puts it – to coordinate and clarify any open questions. They defined each other's spheres of influence, for example, by agreeing who would be responsible for which sporting activities. “This prevented our daughter from playing one parent off against the other because one was doing it better than the other.”
Many mothers, however, struggle to let go and leave their children with their fathers for regular care – as in the case of Walter P.*: His wife simply cannot imagine the children living anywhere other than with her, explains the 48-year-old mediator. So the father continues to care for his children in the former family home, where he comes and goes several times a week. This has the advantage for the children that they can remain in their familiar surroundings, while the father remains involved in their daily lives and is automatically kept informed about everything.
The ex regularly visits the child in their own home? This arrangement is only possible because Walter P. and his ex-wife have moved on from their romantic relationship and trust each other as parents. Mutual understanding and effective communication between the parents are the best guarantee for joint custody to work after a separation, says Andrea Büchler, Professor of Civil Law at the University of Zurich. "Furthermore, it's important to clarify mutual expectations."
Ex-partner moved away
That makes sense. But what do you do when parents are so estranged that they can no longer communicate with each other? Like in the case of Pascal O.* For years, he fought for joint custody of his two sons. His ex-partner wouldn't grant him more than extensive visitation rights. She even moved to another canton to create distance. Pascal O. then filed a lawsuit. "That was a mistake," he says in retrospect, "because that's when the real fight began."
Only years later did the two agree to professional mediation. With success. "We should have done that from the beginning," says Pascal O. "In mediation, we became familiar with methods for conflict-free interaction. We learned, for example, not to see every decision the other person makes that we don't like as a deliberate provocation."
For Bernese psychologist Liselotte Staub, an expert on joint custody issues, one thing is clear: "It is not enough to change the law and make joint parental custody the norm. Accompanying measures such as mandatory mediation are needed." This view is apparently gaining traction among experts. While it was previously agreed that mediation must be voluntary, more and more are now warming to the idea of court-ordered mediation.
Federal Court upholds mediation
To the surprise of many, the Federal Supreme Court, in a recent ruling concerning the case of a deeply estranged couple, also declared mandatory mediation lawful (Judgment 5A_457/2009 of December 9, 2009). It remains to be seen whether this ruling will lead to a widespread change in practice.
Mediation can clear up fears and misunderstandings that exist on both sides, says lawyer and mediation expert Christoph Wieser. Furthermore, the mediator is not a judge; they don't have to make judgments. However, mediation is not a panacea and cannot completely prevent conflicts. Therefore, here are a few tips from parents and experts for fathers and mothers who opt for joint custody:
- Make as detailed a plan as possible of how you will share responsibilities in everyday life, even if it seems unnecessary. This provides security, says Solothurn family lawyer Thomas Grütter. According to Grütter, important topics include: when and for how long the child stays with which parent, how you communicate with each other, and how you make important decisions (school, upbringing, health).
- Determine who is responsible for which areas (such as sports activities, hobbies) and respect these boundaries.
- Acknowledge the basic principle that the parent with whom the child is staying is allowed to make everyday decisions.
- Inform institutions such as the school to ensure that information flows to both parents.
- Decide together what you will do if communication breaks down. Seek advice from professionals, preferably not from friends. They are usually biased; moreover, experience shows, according to psychologist Liselotte Staub, that advice from acquaintances tends to exacerbate existing conflicts rather than resolve them.