© Aargauer Zeitung , February 12, 2009 / Milena Moser
On the role of men in child rearing
Something is missing. The father figure is missing. Not at my table (see below), but in the public discussion.
Take Harmos, for example, and the early school enrollment. Children's tears, children's laughter. In the "Tages-Anzeiger," two mothers from each side were given a voice. The discussion centered on the mother's role and her significance in the child's development, on the mother's resilience and her needs. The one who had nothing to say: the father. Not a topic of conversation. His role in raising the child, his importance for the child's development, or simply his opinion. This bothers me: where are the fathers? Are there none left? Or are they no longer responsible for matters of child-rearing? Except perhaps as politicians?
One possible explanation apparently lies in the barn, where, after all, it's not the bull who cares for the calf, but the cow. Don't get me wrong, I love cows, like any city kid who's moved to the countryside. But I've never tried to live like one. Although, with a touch of malice, one could say that the surface of my desk often resembles a dung heap. Anyway, I did some research. Cows, these gentle-eyed creatures, are herd animals. They raise their calves together in a so-called "kindergarten herd," which is overseen by individual cows that take turns standing at the edge. So, childcare in early childhood, and within a matriarchal social structure. Radical feminists had similar visions of a harmonious, because testosterone-free, coexistence of women and children, of a society to which men were only sporadically invited for procreation purposes, but otherwise played no active role in everyday life. A surprisingly progressive recommendation, then, but not a truly viable one.
Because a fatherless society doesn't work. Experts agree on this. It's blamed for most of the problems of "today's youth." Alexander Mitscherlich warned of this development more than 45 years ago, Matthias Matussek polarized opinion with it ten years ago, and Allan Guggenbühl still returns to it in his work with so-called problem children. Children need fathers. The controversial joint custody law to address this fact. Couples break up, families remain. Parents separate, but not from their children. That's the ideal scenario. Can it be implemented? Should we at least try?
The reality outside the cowshed is complex: In Switzerland, half of all marriages end in divorce. One in six couples is not married, and even that often doesn't protect against separation. Parents separate and fall in love again, sometimes outside their own cultural circle or within their own gender. Family structures change, new forms emerge. But it's not the form that defines a family, but its content. Children need people of both genders as role models, as points of friction, as figures of identification. They need their protection and their love, regardless of what connects or separates the individual adults. Motherhood is not sacred. Perhaps it's my good fortune that I was always aware of my shortcomings in this regard; perhaps that's why, despite all the personal (and certainly mutual) hurt, I was able to maintain a kind of family dynamic with the father of my older son.
A few days ago, we celebrated his twenty-first birthday. With two fathers and three "kinds" of grandparents. Just like we've celebrated every family gathering, every Christmas: together. As a family. Not that it's always been easy. And not that I'm bragging about it. It's the children who are showing us the way through these new family structures. If we could follow their example, everything would be so simple. For the children, their brother's father is naturally part of the family. For them, it's also clear that their father's new girlfriend is invited to the birthday party, to the school play. She belongs to their dad, so she belongs to us. And so do her children. And the father of their father's new girlfriend's children, and so on. That, as I said, isn't always easy. You sometimes have to swallow hard when the children come home with expensive nonsense that you can't afford yourself. When they rave about strange women who cut their hair over the weekend. All those beautiful childhood curls, gone. But just because it hurts doesn't mean it's wrong. Bernese child and adolescent psychologist Liselotte Staub sums it up in her dry way: The fact that divorced or separated fathers suddenly take an interest in their children, interfere in the upbringing they have left to the mothers for so long, and act like cool dads on weekends, may be frustrating for mothers › «but it's great for the children.
And putting the children's needs above one's own is a fundamental condition of parenthood. As I said, it's not the form that defines the family, but its content: love.